a glimpse beyond the smile
(Source: majorfashion)
apparently i might meet my sister’s bf tmrw?? i thought they broke up?? or maybe that was just problems? whoa
anywayyy
then i guess i gotta shower
clean my room
and do RA #3 and flashcards :P
*i must get all of that done
if i have time left and i’m not tired, then i have to start reading 4 :x
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
well to move on,
i needa do my reading assignments today
like 3 of them or 4? yeah whatever just a lot
i have a mild headache but i think that’s because i’ve been on the computer for too long. i just want my homework to be done. so i’m going to go do it. and i want to run today. afternoon. hopefully at least 2 will be finished by then….
yeah. here i go.
*note: although i stayed on the comp for too long it was nice looking at friends and stuffffs
(Source: majorfashion)
uncertain mess
that’s a little more accurate i think but lost can work too
anyway
it’s just your typical teenage problem
you know you hear stuff when you’re little about peer pressure, drugs, sex, “being lost and trying to find yourself” in these teenage years but you don’t really believe it. At least i didn’t. I mean i didn’t think it would happen to me…not that i was super special it’s just i was so innocent and i thought i would stay like that forever. EEEH WRONG.
so incredibly wrong and i think this period of my life can be exhibit A-Z. damning evidence really. all of the above. i don’t know who i am, where i’m going, what i want, anything. anything. nothing. it all changes within days. nothing seems permanent. except for this lost feeling.
i need to grow up without you
it’s odd this is what i’m going through to be really really honest (this helps me):
someone who i’ve never met, never talked to, doesn’t know i exist status… that person i’m giving up. the same person i’ve secretly liked for over a year. someone i began to build my life around. my hopes, dreams around. it was getting hard to differentiate who and what was anything. i think it will take time. to stop thinking like this. but in that time i will be healthy again. it will be worth it later. i will grow up beautiful, without you. that’s the only way. the truth is i don’t love you, i don’t know you. i write to you too often for someone of these qualifications, but it stops here. someone i really think thought think i’m was gonna end up with, i’m letting go. we will both be happy one day, whether together or separate, end of story. and i still really do think i will talk to you one day but that is beside the point. until that day i won’t talk about you anymore. i won’t think about you anymore. and i won’t … i can’t say i won’t feel anything but i will try not to do the other things and usually that will lead to the end of feelings. it’s like meeting someone you really believe is your soulmate… and keeping them, hiding them with you for so long my goodness, a year, over a year, and then realizing you have to let them go. for your own sake. someone who once gave me hope and feelings i have yet to have for anyone else now gives you pain, obsession, everything bad for you. it got out of hand, it turned bad, and i have to move on. i’ve tried this a lot, it’s like i knew it would come one day, well here it is. here it really is. time. what a thing.
Birdy - Skinny Love
(Bon Iver cover)
Artist - Birdy
Skinny Love
Skinny Love - Single
1,380 plays
weeks to build, minutes to destroy
just a set back i guess.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me
i honestly can’t focus
no matter what environment i put myself in
or anything
i just slip back into sleep
i hate sleep
i haven’t binged in a while though
like an intended one
sure i’ve over ate here and there but just because
not out of emotions
shit
i thought about it and i can only come up with
stress from ap euro
failure
being lazy
accessible food
prior mess up
and emotions in general as usual
my hands are sticky
hello old friend.
also,
my phone was right on the table where the crime occurred.
it never occurs to me to ask for help
what is help anyway
and who can help
what can you do
sigh
the thought of just asking for help
it’s too embarrassing
i understand what they mean now
even if you HAD potential people to go to
it’s too embarrassing.
i never quite grasped that until now
i always thought my problem was not having people to go to
no, no
someone to understand
maybe if someone really understood?
ew why am i tearing up haha
gosh i don’t wanna eat
damn
that’s the truth though
i have eating but i love food.
i’ve ALWAYS wanted to be that girl
that loves food who isn’t scared of food. i never was scared of it
it was a weakness always
that’s why it’s mia and not ana
the one who could eat without feeling guilty
food is food.
but i can’t be her
i’m mia.
well not really, but she’s still there.
and it’s not like i was born with the “good genes”
or if i was athletic and strong enough where i could just burn it all off easily
i’m so effing weak i hate it
no matter how many push ups i attempt i can’t pull off a legit one
i’m not lazy
i’m hindered
ahfiuaesdf, i’m getting depressed
i just had the thought that
well
i heard a voice
and she said
that someone like me couldn’t ever be loved
have lots of friends or a boyfriend.
she has too many issues
she can’t even fix herself
i hate you mia
i have better things to do.
and when i trip the slightest bit
you’re always there
ready to attack and take me further down
it is so hard climbing back up
after all this time dammit
damn it
damn you
i’m damned too aren’t i
i’m never gonna be normal.
that has sailed a long long long time ago.
ive never had a chance.
the way i look, the way i act, the way i think
everything
all of it
is that why i’m not accpeted
i’m a freak huh
not the good one either
not the one you want
and you
YOU
GET AWAY FROM ME
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
i don’t want you here
i don’t want to dream anymore
it’s all a lie
it’s all a lie
you take up too much room
too much time
too much though
too much feeling
and what have you done
nothing
you don’t even deserve these lousy minutes
these stupid letters
none of it
i wish you would go away
i know i’m little
and i hate that right now
why can i just be old and near death
i’m out of possibilities anyway
where am i going but down
where have i got to go
why is it so hard to talk to god
would i give up my desires for him
whoa
god
yes
him
…
get him out of my head
why can’t i just be filled with god
why isn’t it easy like that
god knows this
he knows it’s not easy
but he’s there
but i’m here
just standing
not walking towards him
i’m hinderd
why
by what
i don’t know exactly
mostly stupid wants
how selfish
did he know this was coming
this collapse
yeah
help
help
any body
no
just you
just God
the address of this has changed over the course of writing
don’t be confused
is this the crossroads again
what do i want
what do i want
my goodness, i hope this helps
because this
another hour another day spent thinking about this decision
without a breakthough and i’m done
i’m done with it
if after this i cannot relieve then it’s over it’s hopeless i’d be evil
i’d be done
but maybe this will help
clear my head
and maybe maybe i can work again
okay here it goes
dear god
i’m sorry for all my sins. all my desires. all of every sinful want and though i’ve had ever— esp in these past few months though. it’s gotten worse then. and i’ve lost you and myself. i decided to choose love over it though. you are love. you are my only love. i’m going to give up that boy that silly boy. and the sinful wishes. you are all i need and i believe that now. when the time is right, i know you will give me what i want. but it is up to be to realize and keep what i need, which is you. please help me to be pure and chaste from now on. rid me of these evil thoughts and wants. help me to want only you.
okay i don’t know how to delete it but i just won’t go there anymore. i hate being shaped by him and not you. geez. it’s gotten way too far. and i know time is probably up and i’m okay with that. i have to believe in you. and him- my husband whoever he may be that we will find each other someday. i have to believe that if two souls were really meant for each other than they would find each other. if i really thought we were meant for each other i wouldn’t be so worried. i have to admit, i feel a sense of peace knowing i won’t go back there. it was breaking me, it caused me much more anguish than pleasure these days now. but it’s over now. i can stop. and if i can’t, God will help me. i think he did it on purpose. somehow the dance got postponed. i think he knew i wasn’t ready. to be honest, it still is a bumming thought thinking i can’t in my right mind go to that dance now. not when i think it is wrong. not when i’m so vulnerable like this. yeah. i’m not going. i have tests to do. lots of them. i have a future. people who work very very hard like i’m thinking are rewarded eventually. and greater than simple short pleasures i’m speaking of now. i know that. but i am not sure i can be one of them. that is my honesty. for now though, i am thinking like them a little more. i don’t want to worry about that. i have much better things to worry about, i know. i have god to love instead of sins. i know i will make mistakes sometimes somewhere, but right now i’m okay. i’m okay. i know i’m young and human and probably don’t have the capacity to be like those people. if i expect myself to be like that i’ll crash for sure. i just have to accept that i’m not perfect in anyway. physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. i think that’s the most important thing to accept right now. these are my confessions, and my attempts at reparations. i feel a little cleaner for easter now.
